Divorce - Is it ever easy?

Is there such a thing as an easy divorce? Ianthe Slinger, Head of Frettens' Family and Matrimonial Department, explains some of the realities that divorcing couples face.

"Getting married can take place virtually overnight yet obtaining a divorce can take many months, sometimes years. Surely there must be some imbalance in that!

During my years of practice, nothing surprises me now about the way in which one human being can treat another. Whilst I wholeheartedly believe in the sanctity of marriage and that it should be for life, when it goes wrong I also believe that there is no point in prolonging unhappy situations. It cannot be the case that anyone gets married thinking that one day they will be sat in a divorce lawyer’s office, but that is now a harsh reality in today’s society. Divorce is not easy and it is certainly not painless but often the alternative of staying within an unhappy marriage, is simply too unbearable to contemplate.

Almost half of all marriages in this country now end in divorce and whilst the whole process of divorce is far improved upon what it once was, I have yet to meet a client who has found the process easy. Whilst an agreed divorce can be concluded from issuing divorce proceedings through to Decree Absolute within an average of 4-6 months, this can often be a much longer process whilst husband and wife deal with the arrangements for their children and negotiate a financial settlement.

I believe that it is rare that a marriage suddenly breaks down but rather the relationship withers over a period of time. It is incredibly difficult to recognise problems within a relationship and to know what to do about them. Where there is a genuine desire on one side to save the marriage and this view is not shared by the other; sadly this usually leads to a breakdown of the marriage.

Whilst husband and wife may decide to separate for a period of time, separation in my view is a kind of “halfway house”. Whilst I advocate keeping a marriage together where at all possible, this assumes the co-operation and will of both parties. It is often not possible to recover from the effect of a broken relationship simply because a divorce has not taken place. It can be the case that both husband and wife form new relationships during a period of separation, but at the same time the reality is they are both not free from wedlock and emotional ties. One party may have already decided that the marriage is over but they have not yet found the strength to bring themselves to tell the other the harsh truth that the marriage has irretrievably broken down, leaving the other party to hold out with false hope that there will be a reconciliation, only to have their dreams shattered months later when the obvious happens.

When it all does come to an end and divorce is the only option, the million dollar question is how does a person deal with that fact? Life is full of happy events and also ones of an unpleasant variety, however, it is how we deal with those life events that determine our shape for the future.

I am often asked the question “Is there such a thing as an easy divorce?” Whilst I can honestly say that I have never had a client that has been unaffected by the process in some way, our perception of the process and attitude towards it can profoundly affect how we deal with divorce.

I try to encourage clients to remain positive throughout this difficult process. That said, it is healthy at some point to recognise loss and distress as those who seek to hide their emotions can cause damage for the long term. You will find that most divorce lawyers have an ample supply of tissues in their office as it is perfectly normal for clients to be extremely upset at the beginning of a case. On the flip side of the coin, one of the most rewarding aspects of being a divorce lawyer is to watch clients grow in strength and confidence and to see them ultimately carve out a new life for themselves.

It is very difficult to deal with a client who persists in concentrating on the negative rather than the positive. If something has happened then this must be faced as the future is all important, not the past. Tomorrow can be affected but yesterday cannot be changed. Feelings of revenge, bitterness and anger can be harmful as, in my view, they can be destructive to the person who feels them. An approach with an eye on the future, however daunting this may be, will only serve to create a person who is more positive, stronger and self sufficient for their new life.

In my experience the key to a smoother and less painful divorce is to keep lines of communication open where at all possible. This can minimise delay, expense and any further damage to an ongoing relationship, especially where children are concerned. With a willingness to negotiate and compromise, the outcome is likely to feel fairer rather than one which is imposed by the Court.

Under no circumstances should clients seek to use their children as bargaining tools against the other or to cause hurt. All too often we see cases where children are caught in the crossfire. There are no winners in divorce and it is the children who often lose out when one parent alienates the other.

Honesty and frankness is an absolute must throughout the whole process. Those who seek to hide the truth or distort the facts damage their credibility, increase their legal costs, cause delay and irreparably damage what little relationship there may be left with their former partner. Whilst no divorce is ever easy, with a willingness on both sides, the process can be made less painful and traumatic”.

If you find yourself affected by any of the above issues, Ianthe Slinger, Partner and Head of the Matrimonial Department can be contacted on 01202 499255 or by email at islinger@frettens.co.uk.