If you are separating, one of your biggest concerns is likely to be how it will affect your children.
Whatever their age, children tend to notice when things are changing at home. They may pick up on different routines, changes in mood, or simply sense that something is not quite the same.
If they do not understand what is happening, it is easy for them to fill in the gaps themselves. This can sometimes lead to unnecessary worry.
In this article, Family Law expert Simon Immins shares some practical guidance for parents on talking to children about separation, managing the changes ahead and agreeing arrangements that work for the whole family.
How can you reassure your children during a separation?
Talking openly and calmly can help. The amount of detail you give will depend on your child’s age and understanding, but the most important messages are usually simple: they are loved, they will be looked after, and the separation is not their fault.
Older children may already know friends whose parents live apart and are likely to have questions about what separation will mean for them. Giving them the opportunity to ask those questions can make the changes ahead feel a little less uncertain.
When should you tell your children you are separating?
There is rarely a perfect moment to tell your children that you are separating.
Generally, it is better to wait until you have made a clear decision, rather than involving them while you are still working out what will happen. Uncertainty between parents can be difficult enough without children feeling they need to understand or respond to it too.
Try to choose a time when you are not rushing anywhere and can give them your full attention.
They may want to ask questions straight away, or they may need some time to take everything in. Either response is completely natural.
Where you can, avoid starting the conversation just before school, during a busy day or late at night. Giving everyone some time and space afterwards can make a difficult conversation easier to manage.
How do you tell children about a separation?
If it is possible and appropriate, telling your children together can be helpful.
It shows them that although you will no longer be together as a couple, you are still their parents and will continue to make decisions with them in mind.
You do not need to explain all the reasons why your relationship has ended. In most cases, children do not need adult details about the separation.
A simple explanation that you have thought carefully about the decision and have decided to live separately is often enough.
Most importantly, make it clear that the separation is not their fault.
Children can sometimes worry that something they have said or done has contributed to what is happening. Reassuring them that this is an adult decision can help to remove that worry.
Tell them what is going to happen next
Children will often be just as interested in the practical changes as they are in why the separation is happening.
They may want to know:
- Where am I going to live?
- When will I see Mum or Dad?
- Will I still go to the same school?
- Can I still see my friends?
- What happens at weekends?
- What about birthdays and Christmas?
You may not have every answer straight away, and that is okay.
Tell them what you do know and be honest about what you are still working out. It is better to say that arrangements have not yet been decided than to make promises that may later have to change.
Keeping familiar routines in place where possible can also give children a useful sense of stability.
How can you help your children cope with separation?
There is no single ‘right’ way for a child to react to their parents separating.
Some children will want to talk about it. Others may say very little. Their feelings may also change as they begin to understand what the separation means for everyday life.
A few things can help:
- Keep talking to them. One conversation is unlikely to answer every question.
- Listen to what they are saying. Try to give them space to explain how they feel.
- Keep explanations appropriate for their age. Be honest, but avoid involving them in adult disagreements.
- Reassure them regularly. Remind them that both parents love them.
- Keep conflict away from them. Wherever possible, discussions about legal, financial or emotional disagreements should happen out of their hearing.
- Avoid criticising the other parent. Children should not feel they have to choose sides.
- Keep some consistency. School, hobbies, friendships and familiar routines can help life feel more settled.
- Be prepared for arrangements to change. What works well for your children now may need to develop as they get older.
Cafcass also provides helpful guidance for parents on supporting children through divorce and separation, including ways to listen to children and avoid putting them in the middle of parental disagreements. You can read more here.
Agreeing arrangements for your children after separation
Once you have decided to separate, there will usually be some practical decisions to make about your children.
This may include where they will live, how much time they spend with each parent, school arrangements, holidays and how you will deal with important decisions in the future.
You can read our article on agreeing on schools here.
If you are able to agree these things between yourselves, you do not necessarily need a court to decide your child arrangements.
Our team has advised countless families on children arrangements and separation. Their experience is that dealing with practical arrangements constructively and keeping the focus on what children need can often help parents find a more workable way forward.
Getting advice early can also help you understand where you stand and what options are available, before disagreements become more difficult to resolve.
Our expert team includes Collaborative Lawyers and a Family Mediator, who regularly help separating couples look at ways of resolving family disputes without immediately turning to court proceedings.
Family mediation can give parents a structured and neutral environment in which to discuss arrangements for their children and try to find common ground.
You can find out more about what family mediation is and how it works in our dedicated article here.
Where an agreement cannot be reached, there are other options available, including applying to the court for a Child Arrangements Order.
You can find out more about what a Child Arrangements Order is and how you can apply here.
Our experts advice
“When parents separate, it can be very easy for conversations to become focused on what each parent wants.
Taking a step back and looking at arrangements from your child’s point of view can often be helpful.
Think about what will give them stability, how arrangements will work alongside school and other commitments, and how they can maintain a meaningful relationship with both parents where it is safe and appropriate to do so.
The aim is not necessarily to create the ‘perfect’ arrangement from day one. It is to find something practical that puts your children’s needs first and gives your family a workable way forward.”
Specialist Family Law Solicitors
It is completely understandable to worry about how separation will affect your children.
There may be some difficult conversations and adjustments along the way, but thinking about their needs from the beginning can make a real difference.
At Frettens, our approach is to help parents find practical arrangements that work for their family, both now and in the future.
That may mean helping you understand your legal position, advising you on arrangements you are considering, supporting you through mediation or helping where an agreement simply cannot be reached.
Our expert Family Law Team will explain your options clearly and help you decide what is right for your circumstances, without making an already difficult situation feel more complicated than it needs to be.
If you are separating and would like advice about arrangements for your children or any other aspect of your separation, get in touch with a member of our Family team on 01202 499255, or by filling out the form.
We offer all new clients a FREE initial chat to discuss your options.
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